Message-ID: <19980330094704.33055@willkuere.informatik.uni-wuerzburg.de>
Date: Mon, 30 Mar 1998 09:47:04 +0200
From: Thomas Koehler <thomas@wi3d01.informatik.uni-wuerzburg.de>
To: linux-ger@infodrom.north.de
Subject: [Instructions for Installing Your New CAT Unit (fwd)]
Hm... baut schon jemand an CAT-Linux?
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From: Vince Sabio <net.humour.funny@humournet.com>
Newsgroups: net.humour.funny
Subject: Instructions for Installing Your New CAT Unit
Date: 29 Mar 1998 13:00:03 -0600
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Congratulations on your purchase of a CAT Unit! This model contains the
following features:
* User Friendly
* Mouse Driven
* Self Cleaning
* Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
* Self Portable Operation
* Dual Video and Audio Input
* Audio Output
* Auto Search Routines for Input Data
* Auto Search for Output Bin
* Instant Transition (2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
Production Details: After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six
weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are
installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there
may be variations between units.
Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for
transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT
unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and/or serious injury to
the end user.
Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should
examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look
for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT
production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20 deg. C
(+/-3 deg tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present.
Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize
the self- learning program Katfind(tm) by displaying the input bins.
These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity)
and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be
possible to transfer BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or
two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer
overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep mode. This is normal. The
MMU ystem will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72
hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.
The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in
all axis: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment
requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum.
This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability
comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit
autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs.
Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration.
Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to
exit, fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it
should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which
identifies the host site.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be
reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This
lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many
owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the
CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is
discouraged.
Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for
CAT:
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.
Most owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they
are new. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced
response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:
CACHE
The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the
object must be smaller.
JUMP
Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new
heights of operation.
MIRROR
Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse
itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
CHASE
Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as
one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
DANCE and SING
Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour
cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do
not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead
to a violent explosion.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET for a system checkup.
Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts
inside. If a unit emits unusual smells or sounds, it should be serviced
immediately by a VET.
You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female
SCSI port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic
aerosol. The VET can remove this component.
CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET
can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems
should run unix.
Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in
certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user.
Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of
auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its
CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE'S FIGHTING
FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be
apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D- shaped five-pin connectors have an
average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible
for injuries to the user. Children should not poke anything into the
CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE. In dry, cold weather, a surface
electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an
insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to
end-user damage. Carry the CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal
service. Many users get a second unit, to enjoy the ability to run
complex simulation games.
User Groups: CAT users can find other users and FAQ on the Usenet
newsgroup rec.pets.cats.
Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic
failure. Nine coupons are included.
Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This
may lead to serious performance problems. Do not install a BIRD unit at
a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear.
System Features:
* Models =3D Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint
in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
* Interface =3D Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
* Memory =3D Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
* Expected Lifetime =3D 15 years (although 20 years is common).
* Weight =3D 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
* Speed =3D 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist
technology.
* Color Graphics =3D Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64
grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terrabits of
high resolution floating point pixels.
* Sound Chip =3D16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
* Power Consumption =3D 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
* Operating Range =3D -30 to +45 C (-22 to +105 F)
* Vibration =3D 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
Contacting CAT Technical Support:
Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they
wake up from their nap.
--- Submitted to net.humour.funny by: Lynda Bates__________________________________________________________________________ Selected by Vince Sabio, net.humour.funny moderator. Mail your submissions to <net.humour.funny@humournet.com>. (Please do not remove copyright info! Send author credits for unattributed posts to <HumourNet@telephonet.com>.) Mail your complaints to <swallace@cyberpromo.com>. ;-)
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--=20 Thomas K=F6hler Email: jean-luc@picard.franken.de <>< WWW: http://home.pages.de/~jeanluc/ IRC: jeanluc LCARS --- Linux for Computers on All Real Starships