Microsoft internals... (fwd)

Hauke Johannknecht (
Fri, 16 Oct 1998 14:21:12 +0200 (MET DST)

anbei etwas Quellencode der bei Microsoft rausgesickert ist.
Scheint offensichtlich authentisch zu sein.


Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

void main()
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
                                                    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
       say("Yes it will work");
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
           " the 32 bits architecture");
       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
              "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
           order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
           release (journalist);
   while (vapourware)
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
        order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)

    if (there_is_another_company)
      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
     us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);

void bugfix(void)
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/

This archive was generated by hypermail 2.0b3 on Fri Oct 16 1998 - 14:16:29 CEST