Microsoft conducts nuclear test (fwd)

Hauke Johannknecht (ash@ash.de)
Tue, 19 May 1998 23:04:18 +0200 (MET DST)

Date: Tue, 19 May 1998 23:04:18 +0200 (MET DST)
From: Hauke Johannknecht <ash@ash.de>
To: #chillout Mailingliste <chillmail@chillout.org>,
Subject: Microsoft conducts nuclear test (fwd)
Message-ID: <Pine.LNX.3.96.980519230302.12000B-100000@mdma.ash.de>

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 19 May 1998 11:36:52 +0200
Subject: Microsoft conducts nuclear test

REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned
silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an
underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern
Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT
(1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide
with talks between Microsoft and the US Department of
Justice over possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products
by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill
Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but
there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if
Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I
nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer"
explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr.
Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier,
and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain bike

In Washington, President Clinton announced the US
Government would boycott all Microsoft products
indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his
decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they
don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration
will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said
the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the
Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US Government.
Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons
grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've
finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvold warned users not to
replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating
systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every
Pentium II microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone
who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the
Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II
microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors,
made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips
"put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said
Prof. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell those
stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project
is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun
Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work
in Java," said one source close to the project. The
development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at
the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO
Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle
CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton
technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest
bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one
hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop
that product a second time."

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